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PUVIS AWARD FOR WORLD'S WORST ARTIST , #1
JIGGLES

5th RUNNER UP

Margaret Keane, painter of those thousands of saccharine, saucer-eyed waifs. Ever since she all but proved in a celebrated court case that she, and not her husband Walter, had been painting the signature Keane pictures all these years, the Puvis Committee has cast a fond eye on ...him. After all, didn't it appear that he had Svengalied her into back-office production, while he took all the credit? This would be a definite plus for this candidacy for the Puvis. Unfortunately, he hasn't done anything outrageous since. She, on the other hand, qualifies both financially, and for unremitting production by formula. For the Puvis top honor, though, the usual gender considerations must apply.

4th RUNNER UP

Mark Kostabi, for having sold canvasses painted entirely by employees, who were hired through want-ads and paid minimum wage. The time he personally saves is of course more artistically spent wandering around in Elton John outfits, touting his studio: Kostabiworld. An approach for our time, certainly. But since the works are only passe paint on canvas, no Puvis. Sorry.

3rdRUNNER UP

Julian Schnabel. Definitely qualified for his costly paintings on cheap chenille bedspreads and torn tarpaulins mended with duct tape, Mr. Schnabel also has captured the spirit of the Greek taverna as never before by gluing together massive panels of shattered crockery. His magnificent titles, like "Death of an Ant Near Powerplant in the Country" and "Migration of the Platypus" only gain in poetry when no recognizable and or platypus can be found. What cinched his candidacy however was his answer to a question about his approach to painting: "I masturbate a lot; then I go surfing when I can." He does not capture the Puvis Award this year because it is widely suspected that he has already had his 15 minutes of fame.

2ndRUNNER UP

Christo Javacheff, for whom gigantism is everything. Truly an artist for the 90's, Mr Javacheff starts with a pea-sized idea, like: fence. Or, umbrella. Or, package. He then grafts on a gigantic budget, gigantic PR, gigantic production. The little umbrella idea, for instance, cost $26 million and produced 3,100 umbrellas. The original mini-concept thus underwent a Godzillaesque transmogrification that captured the attention of the world, and even killed someone. But a single kill is nowhere near Mr. Bush's .1 megadeaths. So for Mr. Javacheff no Puvis.

1stRUNNER UP

David Hockney. For his perennial popularity alone, Hockney must be reckoned with. He is sexually correct. He goes through more styles than Picasse. An early opera set was highly praised for being done -- thunderclap of genius! -- all in shades of grey. Unfettered by consistency, Mr. Hockney more recently lived and worked in a ranch house painted throughout -- thunderclap of genius! -- with clashing, garish colors.

His rediscovery of collage and photography, and his present use of xerox and fax are miraculously perveived by the art world as inspired, not banal. And just when we were about to shout, "The emperor has no clothes!", his "Grand Procession of Dignitaries" up and sold for $2 million. Now all we can say is, "Long live the emperor." Nevertheless, not even the redoubtable Mr. Hockney can top the performance of ....

THE WINNER

Jeff Koons! The benediction of the Art World justifiably came to Mr. Koons in the initial instance for his presentation of basketballs direct from the sporting goods store, and vacuum cleaners from the appliance store. A few lackluster seasons followed, with Mr. Koons' work selling at the declasse $30,000-$75,000 price level, sustained mainly by his commodity- brokerage-honed sales skills.

The great breakthrough came, however, when Mr. Koons discovered that nothing sells like sex. Since this epiphany, he has dug up the porn star Cicciolina (an Italian nickname we would render as "Jiggles") and carried on uproariously, commemorating many of their intimate moments in full-sized statues. These are carved and painted entirely by commercial artisans. Mr Koons supplies the photographs. We stopped laughing when the 9' statue "Made in Heaven", featuring Mr. Koons and Cicciolina in flagrante delicto with a snake, sold for $450,000.

Add to that a total of at least three publicized lawsuits against Mr. Koons for plagiarism, and we have a winner!

Mr. Jeff Koons' menage à trois flaunts its Puvis ^TM